Memoirs on Matchmaking

It has been a couple of months since I did any serious blogging. I had stopped blogging in deference to the occasion of my sister's wedding. If you are a Thamizhian, you shouldn't be blogging around when your sister's wedding is around the corner. Instead, you should be frantically working on other meaningless chores attached to that wedding. If you don't, you will be considered as a social outcast. If you are branded as a social outcast, most Thamizh families will not consider you for marrying off their daughter. Anyway, exciting times are coming up now and I shouldn’t be complaining too much about our traditions. There is a profile created for me in a matrimonial website. If that doesn't ring a bell in you, these are the websites created for losers who had missed out on finding someone from college, friends or work.

I was browsing through the profiles of some of the 'females' (I apologize for the word choice, but that’s how these websites refer to women) other day. And I could sense an obvious pattern in those profiles. Most of them are created by parents on behalf of their daughters. The daughters are always 'God Fearing' and they always expect the groom to 'respect elders'. Since there has been a lot of these 'god fearing' and 'elder respecting' stuff going around in those profiles, this post is going to be on why, all and all, we are better off staying away from these 'god fearing' and 'elder respecting' specimens. Let’s go case by case and figure out what's so terrible about them.

God Fearing: I drive to work daily. I follow the traffic regulations. I stop at red lights. I do not drive on the wrong side of the road. I adhere to speed limits. And, so does my neighbor. He drives to work. He follows the traffic rules, stops at red lights, does not drive on the wrong side of the road and adheres to speed limits. But the motives behind our responsible driving are totally different. He is responsible because he cares for his safety as well as the safety of others on the road. He understands the consequences of violating traffic regulations beyond the penalties of law. His sense of responsibility stems out of his notion of fairness. I, on the other hand, have utter disregard for the safety of others on the road. I neither understand the consequences of rash driving nor have any consideration for the personnel or property loss of others. And my adherence to traffic regulations stalks out of my consciousness of being watched by the cops. I am driving responsibly only because I am scared of punishment. If you want to hire one of us as your driver, who would you go for, someone who drives responsibly out of choice or someone who drives responsibly out of fear? The choice between 'Police fearing' and 'Reason abiding' is obvious, isn't it? But why isn't it so obvious that leading a moral life out of one's own choice and sense of fairness is a virtue whereas leading a moral life out of fear of God is not an adorable quality worth proclaiming of? What do these parents convey when they portray their daughters as ‘God fearing’? Aren’t they suggesting that their daughters totally lack any sense of moral obligation to other people and only the fear of god is stopping them from being depraved?

Respecting Elders: Suppose, I am inviting you to my house for a dinner with my grandmother. And, lets say this is the first time you are going to meet my grandmother. On our drive home, I am insisting that you should respect my grandmother and cautioning that you will be entertained as a guest only as long as you keep my grandmother in good esteem. What could such a weird conversation mean? It could only imply one of these two things. 1. My grandmother is not worthy of respect. Though you will find her completely disgusting and deplorable, you should keep your nerves and be respectful to her during dinner. 2. My grandmother is a nice lady. She is gracious and always elicits respect from others. But you are a brute. You do not know how to appreciate good courtesies and you have to be repeatedly counseled on respecting others. Either of these has to be true should we ever have to have this conversation on respecting my grandmother. Because, if my grandmother deserves respect and you are a civilized person, above conversation would have been deemed unnecessary. Now, moving on to those matrimonial profiles, what do they mean when they expect others to respect elders? Are the elders in their families totally unworthy of respect or they think their marital prospects are brutes? If the elders in their family do not deserve any respect, are these women justified in expecting us to respect them? Most of us respect people only for their intellect, attitude and character and we find it very odd when we are expected to respect people because of their age.

Matrimonial profiles are entertaining too. There is a section called ‘about me’ in these profiles, where you can write about the person for whom the profile is created. Here are some gems of wisdom from the 'about me' section and my grave concerns in blue.

I like peace and no arguments. ….and she is a lawyer

She loves kids. Does she have to ruin someone’s life for that? I would suggest adoption.

I would like a guy who values customs. Customs as in Customs and border security? India or US?

I am looking for a life time relationship. Oh is it? We are all looking for someone who would leave in the morning.

My daughter is traditional with modern outlook. Does she have cognitive dissonance?

I am looking for a person who is an amalgamation of the traditional and the modern with family values intact. Another instance of cognitive dissonance. Looks like it is prevalent in India.

My daughter is willing to be a good wife to her husband after marriage. That’s reassuring. I am inspired. I am going to change my profile to read, ‘I am willing to have sex after marriage’. Obvious, yet so reassuring. Uh?